95: Fear, Failure, and Grit- A Birthday Episode

When I was 19, I went through a quarter life crisis because I’d be turning 30 soon. ? I opened up my laptop and wrote out a 17-page document of ALL THE THINGS I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30. And while 30 is still a *bit* over a year away for me, I haven’t even come close to accomplishing anything on that list.

I told myself I’d open (or at least volunteer at) an orphanage in a third world country, get a book published, start a vegetable garden (#blackthumb), buy my parents a new car, have my PhD… the list goes on… and on… and on…

So while my life looks absolutely nothing like I wanted it to look almost 10 years ago, it’s still pretty rad. Not because nothing ever went wrong- but actually in spite of all that did.

Even though it would have taken me about 10 episodes to scratch the surface about the millions of things I’ve fucked up and failed OVER AND OVER again, in this episode, I talk about how I *could have* gone belly up at least a handful of times.

Life kept getting harder- my own mother begged me to quit. The universe kept testing me- do you want this bad enough or not?

And guess what? If the answer is always “fuck yes I do want this bad enough”, you’ll find a way. And it’ll be ugly and messy and hard. And you’ll fail- again- when you promised yourself you’d quit the next time you heard “no.” You swore up and down you couldn’t do this anymore, it can’t possibly be worth it- and your dreams can’t possibly be THIS hard. So you kick and scream and cry about it- but you never *actually* give up. And seemingly out of nowhere, you realize maybe you’ve made it- for no other reason than you simply chose to not give up.

And since I don’t think anyone ever actually “makes it”- there’s something to be said about never giving up. Fighting the good fight, standing in your own damn corner and rooting for yourself.