I will never try to lose weight again.

I went on my first diet when I was 10. I talked my parents into buying me Slim Fast- and the madness didn’t stop for YEARS.

When I was 15, I bought a “top secret” weight loss plan and was guaranteed to lose 11 pounds in 10 days or my money (my mom’s money) back.

I lost 11 pounds in 10 days and gained back 15 pounds back what felt like instantly.

Each diet began with a Last Supper mentality- where I’d scarf down as much food as possible to prepare for the impending misery and hunger.

I’d get so hungry that I couldn’t help but binge every few days.

By mid-week, the scale would finally drop a bit just in time for me to have to “get back on the bandwagon” Monday morning.

I was nervous on vacations- what will I weigh when I get home?

I was nervous on weekends away with friends “do I eat with them or stay on track? WHY CAN I NEVER STAY ON TRACK?!” And then I just… stopped. I stopped weighing myself. I stopped searching for a “better way” to lose weight. I just fucking stopped it all.

Not in a “fuck it all- I deserve to be miserable and unhealthy” way- but in a “fuck this weight loss crap. I’m focusing on ME” way.

I ate what I enjoyed in such a way that I stopped zoning out with a bag of chips- if I loved them so much, I might as well stay present while I eat them!

I stopped eating grocery store birthday cake- because it’s honestly not even good.

I stopped eating entire blocks of cheese at once because I allowed myself cheese whenever and was kind of… over it- and could stop at a slice or two- and have more tomorrow if I wanted.

I stopped thinking I NEEDED to drink protein shakes, bc turns out I don’t like those either.

I realized I like salads as much as I like pizza.

I realized I don’t love omelettes and refuse to order chicken at a restaurant, but steak when out is BOMB.

I stopped drinking shitty beer- and learned to enjoy 1 or 2 REALLY good ones.

I stopped pretending like diet ice cream doesn’t taste like chocolate cardboard- and a scoop of the REAL stuff is more than enough.

I realized I fucking love tomatoes and even more when they’re dipped in hummus.

I realized exercise is I realized exercise is a shitty weight management tool. It accounts for like 10% of your caloric expenditure, so I might as well do it bc I love it instead of doing it bc I feel like it’ll “afford me” something.

I realized that honoring my hunger looks different day to day. If I eat more today, I’ll probably naturally eat less tomorrow and vice versa and it’s all ok.

I realized that intentionally dropping 10 pounds means I’m going to gain back at least 15. And so, if this is the weight and shape my body takes when I’m paying fucking attention to what my body needs, then this is damn good.

I will never try to lose weight again. If my body changes shape as a natural by product of me taking care of myself- cool. If that means I gain weight- cool. If it means I lose weight- cool. It is my behaviors that I track- NOT my weight. NOT my calories.

Again- Track your behaviors. Not your weight.