When the Scale Went Down, My Anxiety Went Up

Good lighting, Lululemons pulled up to my nipples, enough twist, enough sucking in, and I look like your fav fitspo – NOW BUY MY MACRO PROGRAM AND ILL SEND YOU A FREE BOOTY BAND!

See how easy this is?

Except, we all look different when we sit down, we all have fat to grab on to- and I’m not here to make you believe that I have some “secret” on how to “get your dream body” or whatever the cool kids are selling these days.

I would have been horrified to show what my stomach looks like when it’s not “just right” when I was shoving fat loss down people’s throats like a Priest but, here we are.

I know how mortified you feel to sit down without a shirt on. I know how hard you suck in and twist in front of the mirror in the morning just to see what it might be like to *actually* look that way. And I know you make sure to look at yourself first thing in the morning because you know it “gets worse” as the day goes on.

But I also know this- what *actually* gets worse is how much you hate your body. No matter how hard you push in the gym, no matter how fast or far you run, no matter how much you lift, no matter how “clean” you eat- your body image will continue to eat away at you.

At my smallest I hated myself just as much as I did at my biggest. Scale went down, anxiety went up, self-worth remained contingent and elusive.

At my smallest, I didn’t want anyone to see me or touch me. I’M NOT PERFECT YET! DON’T LOOK AT ME! How could those be the same thoughts I had at my biggest? What was I even working towards? Wasn’t I supposed to feel more confident?

I thought changing my body would change how I felt about it- and it didn’t. Not even close.

So I have fat and you have fat but one of us doesn’t give a shit anymore. I have fat and you have fat and one of us doesn’t count her macros anymore. I have fat and you have fat and one of us has found so much more meaning to life than “how much fat I can lose.” One of us has found purpose outside of the size & shape of her body.

Oh hi, IT’S ME.