Pursuing Weight Loss Was Making Me Sick

I was never sicker than when I was pursuing weight loss.

My body has taken many shapes over the years. It’s been bigger, smaller, leaner, stronger, bigger again, smaller again… But I was never sicker than when I was obsessed with whatever shape or size I was.

I’d pull two-a-days, I worked through injury and pain, I starved myself, then I’d binge, then I’d run 16 miles to burn it off. I’d rejoice when the scale went down .1 pounds and I’d be in agony if it went up .1 pounds. I thought this was normal. On paper, I was the healthiest person I knew, the most motivated, the most dedicated… I was obsessed.

When you stop using your physical body shape and weight as your barometer for health, the picture becomes more clear. When you step out of the obsession, you realize how fucked up it is to be there. Sure, your friends tell you how great you look and commend you for your work ethic, but no one’s around when you’re standing naked in front of the mirror crying because you swear to god that .1 pounds has ruined you to your very core. No one’s around when you’re sobbing because you ate too many calories.

It can be mutually exclusive: the joy from movement, the nourishment from salads, and the glorious taste of regular fucking creamer in your coffee for the first time in decades because you’re not a lunatic around food anymore.

It can be mutually exclusive: the excitement from being sore and working hard and skipping a workout to grab drinks with friends all in the same week without calculating how many hours of cardio you need to do to pay penance.

The anxiety isn’t wellness. The obsession isn’t wellness. The fear isn’t wellness.

If you disagree, you’re CONFUSED.

You aren’t well, you’re imprisoned.
You’re not superior, you’re trapped.

I know this because I lived it.

I thought my wellness was only measured by how small I could get. No one told me my wellness also meant my emotional state, my mental well-being. No one told me that it wasn’t healthy to be all consumed by the pursuit of “wellness.” No one told me it wasn’t normal to pray to god as I stepped on the scale praying for a “good day.”

WELLNESS is freedom.
Seek it, create it.